Ass Wipe Nation


When I was a kid, and even when I was a younger adult, the words “ass wipe” were used as a derogatory slang expression that meant “a real asshole” – nay, you were worse than that, you were the toilet paper that wiped the dirty asses.  Don’t you remember referring to someone as an “ass wipe”?  “Oh my god, that guy is such an ass wipe.”

Oh, how times have changed.   Today, the definition of “ass wipe” is not derogatory, ass wipes are a requirement in the American household.  I don’t recall when it started, but I do recall being one of the first people I knew to buy ass wipes, also called “moist wipes”.  They are a derivation of “baby wipes” except you can’t flush baby wipes like you can ass wipes.  I remember having visitors to my home, close friends usually, who said “what are those things sitting on the back of your toilet tank in that plastic box”.  And I would explain to them that they are “moist wipes”.  When they still didn’t get it, I said “they’re ass wipes – they’re slightly wet and you use them to clean you ass”.  For christ sake do I have to spell it out??  Do you really not know what these things are?  Were we, as a nation, so naive, or blind to a fact that Europeans and their bidets have known for years:  Skid marks aren’t pretty. 

Maybe as a gay man it all seemed so natural to me to have these cleansing gadgets.  I won’t go into details – you’re welcome.  But American bathrooms, for the most part, are bidet-free.  Sure there are high-end homes with super high-end bathrooms that have bidets.  Many wouldn’t recognize what it is and would probably ask why there is a water fountain in your bathroom.  And now the “must have” bathroom fixture is the thousand dollar Japanese toilet that basically washes, blow dries, and puts your ass through a spin cycle before sending you on your merry way.

But barring that, Americans have their “ass wipes”.  Currently it’s almost unheard of to walk into someone’s bathroom and not find a box of moist wipes sitting on the toilet tank.  Mothers are happy.  Their kids and their husbands don’t leave so many skid marks in their underwear; making their laundry chore far less disgusting.  Husbands are happy because now maybe their wives won’t mind giving them head somuch because it doesn’t smell so bad.  As for gay men, we’re just happy.  Happy that we spread the word about ass-wipes and it took off.  I’m disappointed that Spell Check in America rarely get’s “bidet” correct.   To summarize, clean asses are in our thoughts, but not in our dictionaries.

My only counterpoint to this?  Dick Cheney is still an old-fashioned ass wipe. (Sorry, I had to slip that in somewhere).  I’m not sure, exactly, why America has become obsessed with cleaning their butts.  But I’m glad they did.  It makes sitting in a crowded room so much more pleasant.

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Vagisil – it’s what’s for Breakfast


OK.  No kidding around here.  I woke up this morning after falling asleep in my recliner.  After rubbing my eyes and slowly opening them, I grabbed the remote and flicked on the TV to check the news and weather.  What I saw made me think I must be still asleep and dreaming and if so, I’ve got a sick and twisted mind.

A woman is walking, to somewhere, from somewhere I don’t know, she’s just walking.  And a soft, monotone voice comes over the TV and says”

“After the itching is gone, and after the odor is gone, now you can just live your life…….Vagisil”

WHAT?????????????????????????

If I was dreaming I am a sick and twisted human being.  I mean, what the hell.  I’m gay, why would I be dreaming about itching and odors emanating from a vagina????  I don’t know if I got all the words exactly right but I now “itching” and “odor” was in there and the rest is accurate, if not pretty damned close to exactly what was said.

Oh wait.  I wasn’t dreaming.  I’m not sick and twisted.  It’s the Vagisil folks that are sick and twisted.  AND have crossed the line.

This is not about misogyny, and it’s not about being politically correct, and it’s not about the fact that men should be accepting of women’s “issues”, this is just plain GROSS!  I immediately called my best friend, a female, and told her about it.  She was just about retching and heaving when I told her and she said the same thing, “GROSS”.  She said, “are you sure?”.  Of course, I am, I just watched it.

Now let’s turn that around.  Not that there is anything from a man’s perspective that could compare to this but I’ll give it a try.

“After you wipe away what could become a skid mark, and after the aroma is gone, now you can get on with your life……Charmin”

Can you imagine if THAT was a commercial,  A guy walking to somewhere, or from somewhere and a soft calming voice proclaims the advantages of cleaning one of your holes.  I mean COME ON!!!!

Vagisil is made by Combe Incorporated, White Plains, NY (800) 431-2610.  Please call them and ask them to stop the insanity.

Mika Brzezinski on MSNBC’s Morning Joe


I can give a complete transcript of Mika Brzezinski on ANY edition of Morning Joe on MSNBC:

“Really….I know…..Oh, Stop………That’s right……Maybe it’s time……Yes…….Oh, you’re terrible……here we go…..umhmm…..um humm”  And that’s it.  For 3 hours of morning television and that’s all she says, with some of the most influential guests in the country sitting next to her and Joe Scarborough as Joe takes the helm.  Mixed in there also are several repetitions of something a guest said.  For example if a guest said as part of a phrase “very different” then Mika will say “very different, yes, very different.”

She usually attempts to read the news at the top of the hour.  

It is a sad story.  I grew up in central Connecticut and Mika Brzezinski, the daughter of foreign policy expert and former National Security Advisor Zbigniew Brzezinski, was on two of Hartford, Connecticut’s local affiliates:  one Fox, and one CBS.  She was the morning anchor on CBS affiliate WFSB in Hartford for a few years before she left to do the overnight, or up all night CBS News which came on at 3:00 AM but at least it was Network in stead of just an affiliate – a bit more prestigous.

I like Morning Joe on MSNBC.  While he is a republican and former U.S. Representative, in the last year or so he seems to have become more fair and balanced in his veiws, at least on air.  

But Mika, come on.  You are the Ed McMahon of news.  You can almost hear MIka say “Ayooooo” and “Yyyyyyeeeessss”.  Also, I keep waiting for Mika to hand Joe some envolopes and a turban so he can do his Carnak impersonation.

It is actually difficult ot watch sometimes.  If you get the chance, Mika, to show your stuff on another news program, anywhere, where you can sink you teeth into it and show them what you’ve got, I say take it.  I don’t know, maybe the Morning Joe gig is all she could get.  I’m not really sure whether or not she has any actual talent.  She didn’t go to school for journalism, she majored in English.  And I’m not sure she’s using the “English” for her current job because she doesn’t say much and much of what she says is quick little phrases, most of which just mimic something that somebody on the show has already said.

In response to this posting I can only assume that Mika would  say “Connecticut, yes……my dad, you know my dad……I know……….I guess so…….We’ll see you tomorrow right here on Morning Joe”

Pelosi starts new PAC called “My-Face-won’t-MoveOn.Org”


I don’t like taking pot shots atpeople just for the fun of it.  I’ll do it if somebody said or did something blatantly stupid, or if somebody takes pot shots at people who don’t deserve it (payback is a bitch), but I don’t do it just for the sport.

However, every time I see Nancy Pelosi on TV, only parts of her face move.  He forehead is so full of Botox that if she got bitten by a mosquito there, it would die of food poisoning.  The odd part is that other parts of her face do move and she has very deep wrinkles around her eyes.  She was on Meet the Press last Sunday and it was quite comical to watch.  She was fired up at times, other times angry, and still other times she was smiling which was accompanied by squinting eyes.  These squints revealed some not-so-flattering cavernous lines around her eyes.  But her forehead?  That looked like the plastic wrap pulled tightly over the leftover ambrosia salad.  It was so tight and unmovable it made you wonder if her mouth woud open if she crossed her logs.

I honestly don’t know if she is open about the work she’s had done.  Maybe she is.  But sometimes, and it is true with her, people get a little too much Botox, which creates a face that seems unreal, unsymmetrical, and a bit scary.

OK, that’s my catty little remark for today.  Sorry about that.

Bush finally gets his way, again


It has been a long held belief of many, and I am among them, that Bush’s real agenda in becoming President back on 2000 was to be a figurehead who is able to sit around all day and do nothing except play golf and go on vacation.

If it wasn’t for that darned 9/11 thing and those terrorists who interrupted the envious golf handicap he was working on, then everything would have been just fine.

Well, now that John McCain has clinched the 2008 Republican Nomination, and Obama the Democratic Nomination, all of the attention is on them and he can get back to his daily routine; nothing.

We are right back where we should be.  Nobody cares what George Bush is saying or doing, and he is happy to play that role.  He wanted to be a lame duck President since the first time he held is right hand up and pledged to uphold the Constitution.    I believe he thought “The Constitution” was the name of the local country club.

When the time comes, do we really need to say goodbye to George W. Bush next January?  Why can’t we just assume he’s checked out already and just concentrate on the next President.  Oh, and I’d be happy to see one last news item about his Presidential Library.  You should see it.  It’s beautiful and the card catalogue is easy to use as it consists of a Post-It note attached to one book (Dr. Suess) on a dusty shelf.

 

 

Proof that the Bush family really is white trash


It’s not like we didn’t suspect it.  Hell, it’s not like we didn’t KNOW it.

But when you marry off your first daughter and the local townsfolk are clamoring for, and in fact have bought out completely, all of the coffee mugs and mouse pads with the endearing image of Jenna and Henry, the happy couple, you know you are in white trash heaven.

Wait, did I write that correctly?  Did I just say that the bride and groom had their picture plastered on COFFEE MUGS and MOUSE PADS for the public to scarf up?  Yes, I did, I got that right.  OK, I just wanted to be sure.

If you go to the Jenna and Henry wedding web site you can find exclusive information on how to recreate the pageantry of the Bush family wedding at your own home.  It really is much more affordable then we ever thought.

All you need is some frozen pigs in a blanket, canned Hormel chili, an ambrosia salad, some Colt 45 malt liquor and you are good to go.  The happy couple will be honeymooning at Dollywood and plan to settle in a trailer park (double wide I hear) in suburban Virginia.  They are registered at Wal-Mart for those of you who feel the need to buy Jenna and Henry some newlywed necessities like plastic straws and those fancy extra large party napkins.  I’m going to recommend condoms as well because….well…..you know……we don’t really want this family to procreate much more, do we?

Ryan Crocker – Iraqi Ambassador or befuddled patsy


Did you catch any of the testimony given by General Petreaus and Ryan Crocker on Tuesday.  Ryan Crocker could not complete even one, not even one, sentence without extreme drawn out pauses filled with UH, UH, UHM, UH, UHM, UMM, UH.

At some point I started to think he was doing it on purpose to distract those of us that were watching, including the Senate Foreign Relations Committee members themselves.

Now, I am probably the worst public speaker.  But I would never take a job where I was required to speak in public, on live TV, in front of a bunch of photographers scrambling around like merekats on the floor in front of me. 

If you’re going to take a job as an Ambassador, which quite frankly has been normally known as the cushiest job in government, you should either be a good public speaker or learn how to be.

Barack Obama has been criticized for using too many Ums and Uhs in his speaking, but you really have to pay attention and probably wouldn’t notice until after someone points it out to you.

With Crocker, it’s completely different.  Even if I never mentioned it, you would not be able to sit through anything he has to say, whether it be one sentence or a diatribe, without cringing at his vocal inabilities, all while fighting the urge to change the channel or hit the mute buttom.  That is assuming that you want to hear what he has to say.  To me it is easier just to shut him off.

On top of it all, his answers make no sense.  He talks in circles, adds lengthy extraneous information, and never answers the questions asked by the panel member.

It is almost as if he was appointed to his position even though they knew that nobody would have any idea what he is talking about.

I found only a few samples of yesterday’s testimony and they weren’t the best, but listen to Crocker’s responses and if you can (since there’s not much else to do while he’s talking) count all of the Uh and Ums even in the simplest of sentences.  If he’s not reading from a script, he can barely talk inteligably.  Here’s the text link in case the video link below doesn’t work: http://youtube.com/watch?v=7-JV7kWx0Rk.

 

Hillary Clinton has multiple personalities.


“I am proud to be here with Barack Obama”

 “Shame on you Barack Obama”

“The skies will open up and the celestial choirs will sing….”

Here are three different statements from Hillary in three consecutive days.  Reflective, angry, and sarcastic.  That’s a lot of personality changes.  Maybe there are some  post-menopausal hormones rolling around in there.   Maybe that’s why she wears those pant suits and has just a hint of a mustache.

Really, though, what happens if she were to ever get in the White House (again) but this time as President?  Does she treat her staff this way?  Or, only people for whom she has respect?

Let is snow, let is snow, oh crap, it’s snowing again.


Blogging is really about sharing your personal opinion.  Let’s face it, not all blogs are good.  And of those that are good they are not good all the time.  You need to be persistent and original.  So I decided to just write about what I’m thinking about today.

It snowed again.  In Maine this year it has snowed in December about every other day. 

When I was growing up as a kid I loved the snow, mostly because there was no school.  As I got older I grew a bit more romantic about it.  Some of my favorite memories are when I was in a great relationship with a new guy, and for some reason it was usually in the winter.  There is something fantastically romantic about snow and love.  Sitting by a fire, sipping on cognac or champagne, just enjoying each other, saying so little yet sharing so much.

For all of those years I was in Connecticut.  From about the time I started driving I was lucky enough to have a garage.  Even when I moved out of my parents house and started renting, with few exceptions I always had a garage.  So I never cared about how much it snowed.  I didn’t have to clean off my car unless it happened to snow for a bit while I was out and about.

Now, I live in Maine.  I moved here 7 years ago and I think I have chipped the ice off my car and cleared untold inches of snow off of my car about 600 times, by my calculations, and frankly I’m getting sick of it.  I live in an apartment building now, and there is nothing like getting woken up on a Sunday morning at 6:30 a.m. by the plow guy to come and move your car (or rather dig it out of a huge snow pile) so he can finish plowing the driveway.  All you want to do is roll over and catch a few more Z’s.

So in conclusion, until I move to some new great place where I have a garage at my disposal, I officially don’t like the snow.  And if I do move to a place with a garage, I’m going to damn well make sure I have a fireplace, too.  Maybe that will help my love life.

Luckily I have my High Definiton TV with an antenna so I don’t have to pay my cable company. You can find out more at my other blog here: http://mainehdtv.blogspot.com

Do you have a story to tell?


This blog has always been about me and my opinions. I don’t claim to be the best writer but I would like to help those who have a story, a commentary on  life or society, that they want to tell but could use some help in writing it.  This is a fledgling idea and I will probably start a new blog expressly for this purpose, if I get enough inquiries from people who’d like some help writing their story.

Please let me know.  Just submit a comment to this article with your information and I’ll get in touch with you.

Thanks so much for stopping by.